In this blog, I dive into the difference between core values and unmet needs, sharing personal insights on how my childhood shaped my journey. I reflect on how these unmet needs influence decisions and relationships, and offer guidance on how recognizing and addressing them can lead to healing and growth. Understanding these emotional drivers can create deeper connections—with yourself, and with others.
I’ve been “rational” about unmet needs all my life. I built a life around them that empowered me and set me apart. They forced me to be independent, self-sufficient, scrappy, resilient, and innovative—all the things—able to see the “other side,” the nontraditional, the possibilities, the opportunities, the alternative.
And then I became a coach.
Becoming a coach changed everything in my life, especially when it came to falling in love with Matt. Love wasn’t just about sharing my life with someone. Being in love with Matt meant wanting a relationship with him, which forced me to face and challenge beliefs I had carried for years. Suddenly, I had to admit to myself things I had carefully avoided: I do need someone. I do want someone. I am sensitive. I do want to be adored.
This realization didn’t just change how I saw myself in my relationship; it also changed how I looked at my work.
When I became a coach, I realized that a lot of what I had been struggling with in love—the push and pull between independence and vulnerability, dealing with unmet needs, and moving forward in spite of them—is exactly what many of my clients are dealing with too.
In coaching, I help people identify and distinguish their core values from their unmet needs. It’s important to clarify this because, although both shape our lives and influence our decisions, they come from different places and have different impacts on our personal growth.
Core values are the beliefs that define who we are. They shape our decisions, actions, and how we interact with the world. These values are deeply rooted, like honesty, integrity, or compassion, and they don’t easily change over time. They’re key to our identity and guide us in consistent ways.
Unmet needs, on the other hand, are gaps or desires that arise when something important in our lives hasn’t been fully met. These needs can be emotional, physical, or relational. While unmet needs can also guide our decisions, and they often feel like core values because they’re so ingrained in us, they are not. For example, a need for validation might push someone to seek constant approval, even though it’s not a core value they hold.
The key difference is that unmet needs come from a place of lack or fear, and they can change. By recognizing and addressing them, we can transform them into healthier behaviors, like shifting from seeking external validation to building a stronger sense of self-worth and trust.
This Christmas is reminding me of how present those unmet needs can still be. It’s our first Christmas as a married couple, but we’re away from family and friends, where gifts usually flow. I was wrapping Matt’s presents and I couldn’t help but notice how empty the space under the tree felt, especially since Matt has been out of town. A little voice inside me thought, “He better be buying me something,” which honestly surprised me, because I’ve never really cared about gifts—or so I thought.
I was instantly reminded of being around seven years old, living in Nicaragua during the revolution, a tough time when things were scarce. I remember wrapping something I already owned just to have a gift to open on Christmas morning. At the time, I thought I was being creative and resourceful to keep the magic of Christmas alive—and I was. Since then, I’ve found different ways throughout my life to create that magic, especially in tough circumstances.
But looking back, I can also recognize that it made me sad. I learned to 'understand' my circumstances, but I also covered up the hurt. I now realize that I relied on my core value of independence to navigate those tough times. I became self-reliant, believing I had to handle everything on my own. While independence and self-sufficiency were strengths, their overuse—both as a child and into adulthood—created an unmet need I didn’t know how to express for a long time: a longing to be prioritized, to feel special, and to be seen in a way that confirmed I mattered to someone, no matter how irrational it may have seemed.
Now, as we approach this Christmas, I can feel that same unmet need creeping in. Whatever the reason—and honestly, it doesn’t really matter—the circumstances this year have brought it up. Why does it matter so much to me to have a gift under the tree? Even though I can go buy whatever I want this Christmas, I realize that I don’t want to buy it for myself. I want Matt to see me, to prioritize me, and to show me that I matter to him in a way that feels special. What? Yes, it is true.
So how do I reconcile this? We’ve never been about tangible gifts. Matt loves to give me experiences, which I love deeply. It’s part of our North Star—our shared love for adventure. I know how much he does for me—every birthday, we go away; he takes time to think about me, to care for me, and to show that I matter on a regular Tuesday. But this year, I find myself wanting something more—a gift under the tree, something physical that reflects his love and effort in a way that feels tangible and meaningful. And while I absolutely treasure the experiences and thoughtfulness, he gives me, I still find myself longing for that simple, tangible reminder that I am loved in a way that feels personal and real in this moment.
This holiday season, I’m giving myself the gift of grace—the permission to acknowledge those unmet needs without judgment and to meet them with compassion. And I’m giving Matt the gift of understanding more about who I am, which will always deepen our connection in ways I can’t even imagine.
If this resonates with you, take a moment to consider: What are the values you hold most dear? Are any of them rooted in unmet needs? And if so, how can you begin to meet those needs in a way that serves your growth and well-being?
Healing is a gift we can give ourselves. It’s not about changing who we are—it’s about embracing who we are, finding understanding in our experiences, and moving forward with clarity and intention.
With love,
Comments