The Quiet Tug-of-War After Change Has Already Begun

Why the Old Measure No Longer Tells the Truth

One of the most consistent things I see when I work with people over a longer period of time is how quickly they dismiss the changes they’ve already made in their transformation.

They may have gained perspective, learned how to regulate their emotions more effectively, and developed a clearer sense of direction, and yet the default is still to feel like somehow isn’t enough.

This isn’t a lack of change, but a lag in how we see and measure progress.

That’s where the tug-of-war lives. Not between progress and failure, but between what we’re already practicing day to day and what we’re still learning to trust about ourselves.

SCIENCE INSIGHT

From a nervous system perspective, this lag is normal. The brain doesn’t update identity just because we understand something. We start to believe change by living it, not just thinking it.

That’s why intention matters, and why repetition is key to making change real and lasting. We start to trust what we live again and again, in small, steady ways. We don’t get rid of old patterns—that familiarity is what the brain trusts; we build new ones that become familiar.

That’s why old patterns can still show up, even when they no longer fit. New patterns—even healthier ones—can feel shaky at first, which is why they need time, repetition, and experience, so the brain can learn that they’re safe.

COACHING INSIGHT

This is often the point where reflection is key—where I slow people down instead of pushing them forward faster, because what’s important here is helping them notice what’s already true.

The work becomes living the changes you’ve already been practicing instead of dismissing them. This isn’t the familiar “fake it till you make it.” It is what comes after awareness and intention, when the changes don’t feel complete or dramatic yet. But when we minimize progress, the old identity stays in charge because it’s familiar.

The goal isn’t to convince yourself that you’re finished or that you’ve somehow fully transformed. The goal is to stop measuring yourself only through the lens of who you used to be because you are no longer that person.

The goal becomes learning how to recognize and trust who you are now, even while you’re still integrating what’s changed.

REFLECTION

As this year comes to an end, take a few minutes to reflect without judging yourself or trying to fix anything. Just notice what looks different in the everyday moments you might otherwise overlook.

• You recover faster after hard moments, even though you still have them.

• You give less—at work, in relationships, in conversations, and feel less guilty about it.

• You stop explaining yourself as much, and you see how nothing bad actually happens.

• You feel more understanding or less reactive toward someone who hasn’t changed at all.

These are the kinds of changes that are easy to dismiss because they don’t feel dramatic. But they’re often the clearest signs that something real has shifted.

If part of you thinks, “But I’m still dealing with the same challenges,” let that be okay. The question isn’t whether life looks different—it’s whether you are.

Sometimes the work at this stage is simply letting yourself believe what your own experience has already been showing you.

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