Are You Being Kind… or Just Keeping the Peace?

A lot of women I work with say they’re kind—and they are.

They care deeply. They avoid conflict. They try to make everything easier for everyone else.

But when we dig deeper into what’s really going on, we find that “kindness” is often a habit. A survival strategy. A form of wiring and conditioning.

And it becomes a betrayal—not just to themselves, but to others, too.

The Hidden Cost of Being Agreeable

At some point, being agreeable became a way to stay safe.

To avoid judgment. To avoid rejection.

But now it shows up as:

• Over-apologizing

• People-pleasing

• Smoothing over tension, sadness, or discomfort

And beneath all of that?

A quiet frustration. Sometimes even anger.

That’s where the suffering begins.

SCIENCE INSIGHT: Your Brain is Just Trying to Keep You Safe

The nervous system doesn’t like rejection. It will do whatever it has to in order to avoid it.

Your brain has learned that being liked = being safe—so it repeats behaviors like being agreeable, even when it’s not honest.

Eventually, this becomes automatic.

It stops feeling like a choice and starts feeling like your personality.

That’s why it gets harder to speak up.

To be clear.

To even know what you need.

And before you realize it, “keeping the peace” with others is costing you peace with yourself.

What’s 

Really

 Going On:

• Fawning is a survival response (like fight, flight, freeze). It’s when you appease, agree, or accommodate to avoid disapproval.

• Over-apologizing and people-pleasing are often emotional avoidance behaviors triggered by a nervous system trying to stay safe.

• Chronic self-abandonment isn’t a personality trait—it’s a neurobiological loop.

COACHING INSIGHT: Self-Abandonment is Subtle

Self-abandonment rarely shows up as one big moment.

It’s a series of small ones:

• A look you ignore

• A truth you don’t say

• A need you silence

Over time, playing “the nice one” disconnects you from yourself.

And from others.

Because here’s the hard truth:

When you’re not showing up as the real you, the people around you feel it—even if they can’t name it.

That version of you—edited, agreeable, easy—isn’t fully honest.

And when you’re not honest, you’re not fully present.

That’s when trust starts to erode.

What It Looks Like:

• Chronic self-silencing creates pain

• “Nice” becomes a mask for truth

• Real leadership requires presence and honesty

It doesn’t explode. It leaks out.

In sarcasm.

In distance.

In resentment.

You’re still smiling. Still saying the “right” things.

But something’s off.

You can feel it.

They can feel it.

REFLECTION PRACTICE: Come Back to Yourself

Because you’re worth it.

And so are they.

Start by noticing the gap between what you say out loud—and what you replay in your head later.

That moment when you think, “Ugh, I should have said…”

That’s a sign you held something back.

And that’s where your work begins.

You don’t need to say everything. But try one true sentence.

Try Saying:

• “I’m not sure how I feel about that.”

• “That’s hard for me to hear.”

• “Can I sit with this and come back to it?”

You don’t need to be loud or dramatic.

You just need to be real.

Even one honest sentence is enough—because that’s how you start showing up.

For them.

And for you.